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A graduate of Sports Studies at Paisley University, which is about as rewarding as being the best dancer in the Spinal Unit.

Monday, 13 December 2010

EX-ROCK YANDERS HITS $20,000 HALF-COURT SHOT

"Look at the finish, the release, the follow through!"

Yes, all of these things make a half-court shot an easier achievement. Being a PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL PLAYER doesn't hurt your chances either.


Midfirst are a bank that have been involved in stumping up the cash for halfcourt shots for years. Traditionally, they have often been seen to protect themselves from pay-outs by choosing, "at random", people with as many disabilities as its possible to compound into one body.

Bitter up my mouth, Newsok.com:

"Yanders raced from halfcourt toward the scorer’s table, eyes wide, mouth open, arms raised looking for someone to celebrate with. Russell Westbrook, arms also raised by then, looked willing to initiate an embrace. Kevin Durant, too. But Yanders zipped right and finally found a familiar face. He jumped into the arms of Thunder house emcee Joel Decker while 18,000 roared in appreciation."

“It happened so fast,” Yanders said of the shot. “I remember being asked (in the tunnel) what kind of shot will you shoot, a two-hand shot or a one-handed shot? I just said I’m going to shoot it as if I really wanted it to go in. And that’s what I did, man. And it went in.”



Good for him. Out of 25,000 Thunder fans they picked a guy that was as qualified to take a half-court shot as Stephen Hawking would be in a 'sitting still' competition.

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Thursday, 25 November 2010

GIESSEN PLAYERS DUNK PROMPTS FIRST EVER MID-GAME DRUGS TEST



I have absolutely no information about the Giessen Pointers professional team, other than they appear to play in a gym that rivals some of SLBA's finest division three outfits. Anyway, take note of two things on this video taken by someone's dad in the stands: His take off and height when he finishes. If im not mistaken, he appears to get nipple-level with the hoop:

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

EURO-BASKETBALL FANS AND OTHER ANIMALS


In the last BBL playoff finals, Rocks fans were told by the announcer to sit down and stop being so loud as they were distracting other people in attendance. In other situations, people complained about a drum that is used to lead the chants of “DEFENCE”,  possibly due to the terrifying concept of ‘atmosphere’.


 
I can imagine BBL officials shitting themselves lifeless at the prospect of the kind of crowd response highlighted in the video below, which is one of any moment at a Panathanikos game. Not, as you could be forgiven for thinking, a snippet from Hitlers inaugriation speech to Nazi Germany.



In fact, across in Europe you are completely free to sit nonchalantly with 20,000 of your buddies waving a stick of burning magnesium that is capable of searing your face off five times over, while kicking the face off a puppy. You can't buy passion like that. 

Here’s a three of the best examples:
1.       During Game 3 of the championship series between 7 years running champion Panathinaikos and Olympiacos the refereeing crew was so horrendous that the fans in attendance started to have serious issues over numerous blown calls. Perhaps a little uninterested at the prospect of pointlessly booing, the fans decided to get straight to the point and throw some M-80 firecrackers at the officials. Unfortunately the explosives landed directly under one of the team benches, which forced security to get decked out in full riot gear to attempt to regain some law and order. After nearly an hour break the game resumed until a few more incendiary devices were again launched towards officials. Eventually the game had to be called for safety, with Panathinaikos taking home their 8th straight Greek League Title and irreparably ruined underwear. (SKIP TO 2.50 for the incident)



2.
During an AEK Athens game (Yup, Greeks again) one fan held up play for several minutes as he felt the need to clamber on the basket in support of his squad. The atmosphere was already like an underground dog-fighting venue before the unnamed hero (with the kind of flesh on display that could encourage Greek birth rates to drop for a decade) took to the hoop. Nestled in between the backboard and shot-clock, the topless gent fist-pumped like a champ to the ecstatic chants of his fellow fans. The most awesome part is that police and security just waited for him to get bored and calmly walk back to his seat, instead of what would happen if it took place in the US: announcing it as an international incident and having him waterboarded.

3. The day I get to replace David Stern as NBA commisioner, all finals will be decided henceforthwith, serbian style:
Game one will be a casual affair, with regular rules. Good luck to both squads, may the best team win.
Game two will run normally until the fourth quarter, where a mass brawl will kick off and up to 18 players will be ejected. Larger players sending smaller players spiralling off in to distance with javelin-like throws is not only permitted, but widely encouraged. Due to the number of ejections, the game will finish with a laughable three on three full-court contest.
Game three called off as only one team will turn up. Championship awarded to winner of Games one and two.

Monday, 22 November 2010

HS BASKETBALL COACH WHIPS PLAYERS INTO SHAPE, A and E

If you can't walk into a high school gym these days and brutally flog your players without some kind of court proceedings, then my friends, the terrorists have won.



From CNN: 

"A shocking cell phone video shows a high school basketball coach using a weightlifting belt to whip one of his players.
More players at the school, Murrah High School in Jackson, Miss., say they have been whipped too. The coach, asst. coach Marlon Dorsey, admitted to paddling the boys and is now reportedly on leave. Some of the parents have filed a lawsuit against the school district.
This morning, one of the fathers, Jason Hubbard, Sr., tells Ali Velshi what happened to his 15-year-old son, who is not the player in the video but was allegedly hit.
Also, Lisa Ross, the attorney representing the parents of three players in the suit against coach Dorsey, Principal Frederick Murray and the Jackson School District, details the laws at play in the case."



Its shocking. Just shocking. I mean, how old is the phone he's filming that on? I can barely make out a thing.

Sunday, 21 November 2010

GRIFFIN WATCH: Oompa Loompa Dog Edition

"...yeah, you better walk away."

Black Chapters favourite and certified freak of nature Blake Griffin has been steadily topping every dunk he has had this season, all the while being on yet another crappy Clippers team (1-11). The promise of millions of NBA dollars pales with the reality of having to be part of the basketball franchise equivalent to a Rustlers burger. A small consolation is you get flirted with by a dude wearing some Chilean Miner sunglasses.



Saturday, 20 November 2010

GOOD DOG



This has absolutely nothing to do with basketball, but it made me happy like the last time your sister came over.






Friday, 19 November 2010

KOBE BRYANT BLOWS SHIT UP, IS AWESOME

First off the bat, watch this:



There's no getting away from it, shooting an assault rifle is awesome (so my step-father assures me). Its something most teenage boys want to do, hence the popularity of war-themed video games. Whats not awesome (so my step-father assures me) is killing people. That commerical didn't feature a single death but just the sweaty ecstasy of pumping several rounds out of a variety of weapons. The very correct point the piece was trying to make is that, probably tragically, shooting a gun and blowing shit up appeals to many people in all walks of life.
Neither Bryant nor his representatives have publicly commented on the controversy, and commissioner David Stern is also being questioned for not speaking out against Bryant's appearance in the commercial.

My number one choice of organisations that shouldn't be commenting on social issues, ESPN, weighed in on the subject:

"This qualifies as the all-time what were you thinking?", says Skip Bayless. "Does Kobe Bryant really need this money, this badly? Doesn't he have a couple of daughters, last time I checked? ... he is smiling while wielding an assault rifle in combat, while we have troops overseas at this moment, doing the same thing for real!"


DOGS AND CATS! LIVING TOGETHER! MASS HYSTERIA!

Hey, the rest of us level-headed people can sit back and relax. Its better Kobe is sitting in playing Call of Duty: Black Ops where we know where he is. Rather than say, out raping people.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

ASSAULT OF THE DAY!

As my last alcoholic English teacher used to preach to me, just before he was arrested for sacrificing a goat during morning playtime: I head-stamp, you head-stamp, we all head-stomped.

Once again reminding us that Europeans be crazy, during a game between Union Olimpija and Panathinaikos in the Euroleague some dude takes offence to a defender attempting to take a charge:




BOOM, HEADSHOT. AMIRITE? *Waits for high-five that never comes*

They called an "unsportsmanlike foul" on the guy. What does he need to do to get ejected, detach the defenders head and punt it in to the crowd?

Monday, 1 November 2010

EASTBOUND AND DOWN: What's The Answer?

I never cared much for Allen Iverson. He struck me as a souless, personality-devoid thugbot, like a difficult, adopted emo child being housed by a well-to-do family. I thought he definitely had talent, but to describe him as a role-model to a certain generation is ridiculous. On the charisma scale, he sits somewhere between a dead cat and a broken washing machine. So here's last weeks big non-news.
Its with a certain sweaty glee that I report on the latest checkpoint on his whistlestop tour to a drug fuelled, chokebatin' related death is his signing for Turkish club, Besiktas.



I'm not blind to the impact that Iverson had on the game. His existence is the NBA came at a time when streetball and AND1 were up and coming and a good crossover was just as, if not more important than a consistent jumpshot.

Just a season and a half ago he was averaging 26.4 ppg, 7.2 apg, while shooting nearly 46% from the field and nabbing 2.0 spg, but what mattered to Philly, Denver, Detroit and Memphis was that he act like a professional.
Whether it be turning up for practice late or not at all, missing team events or faking injuries, Iverson made his life more difficult by approaching any situation like a petulant child.

Below is his "practice" rant following his then latest absence from a team shootaround. I warn you, watching this will burn its way into your soul and refuse to leave:




Thursday, 21 October 2010

AIR OF DISCONTENT: 5 Reasons To Dislike Post-Retirement Mike

"I love it when a turtle neck and cigar combo come together."
 My dad is notoriously hard to please. 
Around my early-teens he asked me what I was planning to do with my life, aside from being unimaginably gangly, repellent to girls and a crippling disappointment. Not wanting to sell out on my reputation, I suggested:

1) Reviewing video games (If you were there, you could actually hear the 'death rattle' from inside him, 60 years early).

2) Playing professional basketball.

 The second option, as unreasltic as it was (you were more likely to see Michael Vick on Pets Win Prizes) basically came from one man: Michael Jordan.
My first NBA video, The Dream Team, had a short section on him that highlighted dunks and plays that literally had me believing that the guy had some kind of supernatural ability.
From there, I believed all the hype, all the hearsay. I believed it when it was reported NASA were investigating him for his "flying ability" and uncanny knack of hanging in the air longer than most (to give you context, my best friend at age 9 was a stick). He was delivering incredible passes, dunks and circus shots that suggested something was severely different about this particular player. Couple that with an aggressive marketing campaign by (among several others) Nike, Gatorade and the NBA itself that reinforced the notion that Michael was a perfect human being both on and off the court. A family man with three kids, married to beautiful (if not model beautiful) woman and kept a fairly low profile in terms of extra-curricular activities.

That's why, in 1992, when The Jordan Rules came out it made so much of an impact. Here was a book that had Michael gambling, throwing tantrums, bitch slapping team-mates and generally showing him to be every bit of the prick it takes in order to be called the greatest player of all-time. That, along with a reported gambling problem caused the agents and PR monkeys to go in to damage limitation overdrive and a subsequent period of quiet between 1993 and 1999. There was a time that i'd rather see Stephen Hawking waterboarded on PPV than listen to anyone bad-mouth Jordan. But people kept talking...



But what since then? As far as I can tell he has decided to fire all public relations advisors and simply enjoy his life. As much of a fuss as any negative story caused during his playing days, the media has let post-NBA Jordan away with everything. As a result (?) he is commonly percieved as an arrogant, difficult and egotistical person who has been summed up by many as simply "an asshole".

Even before the sweat had dried on his last professional game, the Wizards organisation unceremoniously fired him from the post of basketball operations manager and cut all ties. The greatest player to ever play the game. A guy who had played for the team for two seasons and could have been used to lift the team to new heights on just a promotional level if nothing else, was papped out the door. Even if he was terrible at his post (He notoriously brought Kwame Brown to the team via a number one draft pick), his value extends far beyond playing or managing.

Here's five examples of Jordan's post-retirement difficulties and that ego let loose:

1.
 His infamous Hall of Fame speech in 2008 was as awkward as Josef Fritzl at a PTA meeting. He slated everyone that ever wronged him while aggressively reminding the world that he was the greatest player ever.  We know, buddy:





2.
Like most of us, Michael spends his down time golfing, gambling and abusing medicore rappers. As unimportant a witness as Chamillionaire is, it still gives an rare insight into Jordan's temperment and the moment a fan came to the realisation this wasn't the guy he had idolised. Its also important to note that this guy looks like 50 Cent with Down Syndrome:






















3.
Fashion is a fickle bitch. Kids see Michael dunk with his tongue out and copy him when they play.
Michael sees Hitler murder 17 million people with a cute mustache and next thing you know everyone wants one.
 
Genocide: Hip
4.
As an example of the media turning on a sports star, there's no better than the Tiger Woods debacle. I've no doubt that he's a grown man who makes his own bad decisions, but this didn't stop reports that MJ had led Woods astray.

"I told him, 'Stay away from that son of a bitch [Jordan], because he doesn't have anything to offer to the f- - -ing world in which he lives except playing basketball, which he did yesterday,' " lawyer John Merchant told Vanity Fair magazine.

More bad news as his alleged affairs led to the eventual break down in his marriage of 17 years. Juanita didn't so much take him to the cleaners as lead him down an alleyway behind the cleaners, where he was stripped, molested and mugged. £150 million later and she had completed what is the most expensive divorce in history.

 5.
Finally, Michael managed to make your forget about every accomplishment he's had on the basketball court with 30 of the most obnoxious seconds you will ever want to unsee. Running with the tagline "Look who we've got our Hanes on now", that gives the whole advert a distinct rapey tone, MJ goes about bullying the shit out of Kevin Bacon, who was my other idol growing up and the reason I got into overly campy, freestyle dance.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

THE DEFINITIVE BEST DUNKERS OF ALL TIME

 Not featuring Michael Jordan. Deal with it.

If you're anything like me, you were once the kingpin of a highly profitable Lativian prostitution racket and are also big fans of dunking.

I spent most of my early life cursing God for bestowing me with not only chicken legs, but also an overwhelming, crippling laziness. Faced with both of these obstacles, I couldn't even be bothered filling in the form to send away for Jumpsoles (tm).

Regardless, dunking is an enviable ability. Its also something spectacular enough to have transcended sports and filtered its way down to your gran. She may be trying to change the channel on the mirror but she is still familiar with the term, "slam-dunk".

So without further ado, here's my opinion of the best of all time. The All-Star dunk contest features a dream team of nobodies every year who are able to swing the ball about in attempt to illicit a response from the typically zombie crowd. Sure, they can jump, but the guys below have led thier respective generations by quite literally being freaks of nature.

First up and in no particular order:


1. Shawn Kemp

Before Shawn got traded by the Seattle Supersonics and discovered the bakery, this 6,11" forward looked like an extra from Avatar.




2. Dominque Wilkins

'The Human Highlight Film' was 6,8" and had springs for legs. He spent most of the 80's dunking on everyone (look out for one where he almost kills Larry Bird) before being traded to the Clippers and to his credit, not slipping into drink, drugs and self-mutilation.



3. Vince Carter

'Vinsanity' or at one point, the depressing, budget flight sounding, 'Air Canada'. When Carter arrived in the league with fresh legs and before anybody discovered his playoff disappearing act, he was beyond comparsion.

Thursday, 7 October 2010

FIBA TO WOMEN: KNOW YOUR LIMITS

When I leave for work in the morning, I can't help being startled by women.
Women wearing trousers, women in flat shoes, women sitting all the way down the front of the bus and even using my water fountain. Sometimes I overhear them throwing around their own opinions like they know what they're talking about. 

With all of this liberal nonsense beginning to spiral out of control, its great to know one organisation, FIBA, is setting back women's rights back forty years.

Smack me around for my back-chat, USA TODAY:

"Lower baskets, new uniforms and a new start date for the world championship were just a few ideas discussed at the first women's basketball summit.
"There were a lot of topics covered," said USA Basketball past president Val Ackerman, who helped spearhead the conference. "There was talk about lowering the rims. The notion is that no one in women's basketball has experimented in a serious way. It's something that might enhance the game, leading to dunking, fewer missed shots."
While lowering the baskets a few inches would be considered a radical idea, it's something that the members were willing to discuss. Such a monumental change in the game is still many years away from potentially being implemented.
"One of the conclusions was that we need to change the rules if we want to make the game a bit more attractive," said FIBA Secretary General and IOC member Patrick Baumann. "We have the smaller ball and now it's time to lower the rim. It will be tested."

It was also reported that several women stepped up to offer their advice and guidance on the proposal, but we're ultimately told "not to worry their pretty little heads". 

In all seriousness and having experience with the women's basketball set-up, I was under the impression that they were getting along just fine. Its true that the WNBA has lower attendances and coverage than the NBA, but mumble mumble something something (please offer your own explanations in the facebook comments section). Here's Sports Illustrated's take. 


Personally, my experience is that women's basketball is some of the best entertainment you can get within professional (or amateur) sports. I find that when watching the game, i'm consistenly surprised by the amount of abuse and violence involved. And not because they're women, but because they're human beings. Sure, dunking isn't commonplace, but that doesn't affect your enjoyment or indeed the overall quality of the play.

If you don't believe me, go along and see for yourself. 

Of course, lets cut to the chase here. The main difference between men and women's basketball is when they fight, ladies don't give a shit what they look like.


And you know things are out of hand when you've got BILL LAIMBEER trying to calm things down.

Sunday, 3 October 2010

THE BREAK-UP: A Summer of LeBron




If you don't mind, things are going to get a little less about dick jokes and dogs-in-superman costumes for a minute, so put on your big boy pants and we'll begin.

Game 6 of the 2010 NBA Playoff second round: As I sat watching the game live on ESPN with Lebron James racking up 27 points, 19 rebounds and 10 assists and the seconds wile away, I was absolutely sure i'd just seen the world's (arguably) best player throw the game.
 Not just the game, but his legacy and status with the Cleveland Cavaliers organisation. Something didn't feel right. Yeah, he racked up a triple double, but at no point did I feel he wanted to go any further in the post-season. In fact, the entire team seemed to lack heart of any kind. At one point, with the season on the line, Anderson Varejao stopped the entire offense in the 4th quarter as he complained to the ref's about a tiny cut on his forehead. Lebron continued dribbling the ball, casually watching as the whole Boston defence looked on bemused. No-one, not the coach, bench or players on-court reacted to what was a pathetic issue when the entire years efforts were about to be pissed away. The game continued with James ripping rebounds violently and galloping up the court with seemingly evil intent, before slowing to a stop and passing up open shots. Every so often he would have a burst of points and assists, but stopping short of actually taking the lead. The game finished with no fight or desire, no attempt to foul and claw back respect. A couple of months later, it turned out I wasn't the only one with suspicions.

The buzzer sounded and the ball pitter pattered to a standstill.
James walked off the court to empty seats and boo's from what little crowd there was left. Of course, at this point Lebron had made no inclination that he was leaving the Cavaliers, a city who had harboured and worshipped him for seven years. Even his teammates knew nothing of his intentions.
A couple days later, rumours started to fly as it became apparent that the team fragmentation may have started with a 'Yo Momma' joke come to life, as team-mate Delonte West was widely known to be having a relationship with Lebron's mother. When I say 'widely known', this had until recently, been a circle that hadn't encompassed LeBron himself.


"...and me and your mother will get you on weekends..."
The summer quickly generated into a waiting game for the basketball world with what was the most memorable collection of free-agents in a long time. Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade and James among others were all out of contract and were being wooed by every team in the league with anything from hundreds of millions of dollars (Knicks) to paintings made of pasta shapes (Clippers). After several weeks, Chris Bosh announced his signing with the Miami Heat and friend, Wade.

 Like Christmas at Rhianna's house, Cleveland clenched as they closed thier eyes and braced for the hit. Despite being almost inevitable, there were still the few Cavs fans that had faith in the concept of loyalty and the foundation their number 23 had laid down. It was not to be.
Through the most ego-driven way possible, LeBron and ESPN combined to create an hour of excruciation. Dragging out what should have been a brief announcement within a press conference, The King and his management team turned their national hero status around in just one hour with what is infamously known as "The Decision".

An obnoxious and self-important special was exactly what Cleveland didn't need. They were clearly enamoured with the guy. At the very least, they should have had it broken to them gently over coffee. Put yourself in thier position. You hear your relationship is over via a nationally televised special and that they're leaving you for someone about 20 degrees hotter. Men, pffft.



"I fucking hate my job."



Well, you can imagine the response. Actually you can't. Unless you live in a country recently invaded by The Great Satan and burning effigies is just something you do on the weekend. Dumbfounded fans demonstrated the way they felt by doing this, this and then this. No one was more eliquent than the Cav's owner, Dan Gilbert who felt he needed to post an open letter to the people of his city about the situation and "personally guarantee that the Cleveland Cavaliers will win an NBA Championship before the self-titled former 'king' wins one."

I'm pretty sure at this point that the guys burning jerseys and getting arrested would have sobered up instantly and gained some perspective.




Once the initial shock had sunk in, people started wondering what this team were going to do with it's three superstars.Well, two. Chris Bosh (Below) is only famous for having the most ridiculous head to body ratio in the world.

 Would they gel? Would they buckle under the pressure?
 Time would tell. The guys that paved the way for James in Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan weighed in on the subject and largely disapproved of his change of surroundings, the former calling it a "punk move".

Personally, I could understand.
1. You swap Cleveland for Miami: Essentially moving from a city where the favourite local past time wasn't basketball, but clincal depression.
2. You get to play with your friends: As opposed to someone who is allegedly banging your mother.
3. You increase your chances of winning a championship by tenfold.


Hitchhiking: Hard work

So, whatever. Yeah, sure you showed no consideration to the people who treat you like a God. You should acknowledge you are pursuing something you want for selfish reasons and in this case, loyalty and integrity took a back seat.


Then came this interview last week that included this exchange:

Interviewer, referring to the months of backlash following "The Decision"): “Do you think there’s a role that race plays in this?”


James: “I think so at times. It’s always, you know, a race factor.”

This single retort suggests to me that this 6'8", 250 lbs of obscene talent has reached the point of no return.
They had a picture of him the size of a building. He has literally millions of fans that scream for him, praise him, express disbelief for his abilities. He's on the cover of newspapers and magazines in hundreds of languages across the world. Television beams replays of dunks, passes and blocks to audiences of billions more. Regardless, the interviewer opened LeBron up to an opportunity to redeem himself a little and acknowledge his actions while hopefully showing a glimmer of understanding for human nature.

It was not to be. He couldn't possibly be at fault here, so what else could it be?





But of course, this was never about race. It was about consideration.

The one element that no healthy realtionship will work without.

Thursday, 30 September 2010

SHIT JUST GOT REAL: The evolution of basketball video games





If you’re anything like me, you love basketball video games and were once arrested in Mexico for the illegal trafficking of exotic cats.
When I was about 16, I remember purchasing NBA Live 95 on the Sega Megadrive and sitting playing it until 4am. It had been at least 7 or 8 hours straight, I hadn’t eaten anything and at this stage in my lobotomised delirium it became a real struggle to retain saliva. I was deep in the playoffs when one of the players in my Bulls team went up for a dunk and without warning, shattered the backboard, sending the crowd wild and sent shards of graphical glass all over the court.
Up till this point in my life I had never experienced something so utterly awesome. With the crippling brain-fatigue I had experienced in the last 24 hours I honestly thought I was part of some Inception-style dream infiltration. Instead, it was simply a very rare instance in the game that the developers decided to include for the purposes of freaking out particularly awkward teenagers.



Since the blocky days of the Atari 2600 where basketball games (in fact, all games) were reminiscent of animated crossword puzzles, the genre has come a long way.
 Proceedings kicked off in 1991 with EA’s Lakers versus Celtics where (basic as it was) you could perform Jordan’s “Air Reverse Lay-Up”, a Barkley “Gorilla Dunk” and laugh at Kareem’s dorky goggles.



 After a few years of products named after the finals match-up of that year, they took on the mantle of the now famous NBA Live series. This brought with it every player and team in the league, (as well as a create a player option) NBA All-Star Weekend which includes the Rookie Challenge, Three Point Shootout, Slam Dunk Contest, and the NBA All-Star Game. Naturally, graphics improved to an eerie level, capturing not just the likeness of the players and coaches, but everything including the on-court reflections brought on by the likes of the Staples Centre. 


With all these advances, the majority of these games left behind one vital aspect: Michael Jordan. The greatest of all time cost serious money to licence and as a result was omitted from most of the series. However, this year a different developer, 2K, has changed all of this. As well as everything EA has ever done, they have extended the virtual basketball player experience to a whole new level. Michael Jordan IS included and playable in ten of his most famous games, unlocking many famous moments.



How so...? Well, for instance, scoring threes in the first half against Portland in the finals means Jordan will turn to the scorer’s table and shrug as he did in 1992. If you don’t think that’s awesome, I think it’s time you and me called it a day.
Oh yeah, If your team win the championship you get to go to the White House and meet Barack Obama.

If I played for the Clippers, I’d look like this too.



For NBA 2k12, the developer is planning to refine the pro-player experience by including a post-career mode where your must battle failed marriages and business ventures, a crippling drink/drug problem and manslaughter charges before your eventual death in a motel room at age 39.
Jamie Barr




Sunday, 5 September 2010

“I’M PLAYING LIKE A FROG!”

True story, Ron Ron.
Lunatics get a bad rep. Thankfully, someone somewhere is attempting to remedy the issue by mixing them with children. Yes, everyone’s favourite nutjob, Ron Artest, is taking timeout from fist fighting fans in order to head into the community.
“Gemini. Likes long walks in the park, socialising. No time wasters pls...”

From the Associated Press: Next week, Lakers forward Ron Artest and Congresswoman Grace F. Napolitano will join forces (TOGETHER! AT LAST! - Ed) to combat mental health problems and promote the Mental Health in Schools Act. The two will head to Eastmont Intermediate School in Montebello and talk to the students about the stigma of mental illness and encourage them to seek assistance. They hope to raise awareness and call for the passage of federal legislation HR 2531, which would establish mental health programs across the country.”
Personally, I wouldn’t want the man who once said, “Sure, I killed three guys in da hood one night. But they stole my twinkies. That ain't happening”, anywhere near my kids no more than I’d want Cat Dunker Mary Bale looking after my pets. He also was arrested for beating his wife in 2007, although it is with crippling disappointment I reveal there are no plans for him and OJ Simpson to open a marriage counselling service.

Here's a great interview from Artest on the infamous brawl in Detroit, along with some sage advice on the dangers of beer: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTweSYhqhJ0&feature=related

SERBS vs GREEKS vs CHAIRS. BUT WHO’S BETTER?


There’s only one way to find out! In what could be viewed as the cheapest (albeit, most entertaining) opening ceremony to a major sporting event, Serbia and Greece had themselves a throwdown last week to mark the start of the FIBA Basketball World Championships.
    Chair loved to photobomb.
In this “friendly”, that showcased more punching and kicking than featured in a regular basketball games, Oklahoma City Thunder’s Nenad Krstic topped off the whole affair very nicely with a flying chair just as things were calming down. Krstic was detained by police overnight, and has since been released. It should also be noted that Greece's "sports violence squad" is examining the footage and deciding whether or not to press charges. The fact one even exists means that watching ESPN in Greece is 400% more entertaining than in the UK.
"I believe he acted in self-defence and grabbed a chair after some half-naked (Greek) fans rushed into the court," Greece coach Ivkovic said. "The chair fell from his hand and grazed Bouroussis."
Ah, the old ‘half-naked Greek’ card. If I had a penny for every time I’ve played that one...
Kristic will miss the first three games of the FIBA World Championship, while his teammate Milos Teodosic will be out the first two. On the Greek side, both Antonis Fotsis and Sofoklis Schortsanitis are suspended for Greece's first two games. In related news, Greek parents name their kids by getting drunk and throwing fridge magnets at each other.

Thursday, 1 April 2010

FIREBALL, BITCHES!



The karate, sword fighting, basketball movie genre has been quiet recently, so thank God for FIREBALL:



Wipe the spit from your chin and check this for a plot summary:
“Tai gets out of jail and discovers that his twin brother, Tan has been in coma for the past year. Tan had entered the world of Fireball, a violent game based on basketball hosted by underground criminal gangs, to raise money for Tai's early release.” So good, so awesome.
“He and his teammates must risk their lives and fight their way to the final round of the deadly Fireball championships so that Tai can avenge his brother on the court.”

Karate. Swords. Basketball. Comas. Stay out of my wet dreams, Thailand.

LOVE AND BASKETBALL. AND GUNS!


Although basketball in India is a sport overshadowed by Cricket, Kabbadi and train surfing, they haven’t completely given up on its potential as a ratings winner. A report has come in that a recent tournament was spiced up by threatening the players at gunpoint.
“Delhi University's basketball team has alleged that it was forced to forfeit its inter-university semi-final match at gunpoint in Banaras because the organisers were keen on two local teams making it to the final.
‘The BHU team couldn't even win a single round and here it has won an all-India event! It's wrong when players are threatened and harmed, and sports takes a back seat to politics,’ Ajay Kumar, Delhi team's manager said.
The tournament ended controversially, with BHU beating the MGKV in the final (held on February 1) at their home court. Rumours were already afloat that the tournament's organizers had predetermined the results so that the two hometown teams face off against each other in the final.
"We had to leave the quarterfinal against BHU midway because they were assaulting and threatening my players on court. They even put a pistol to the head of one of the boys. Our vice-chancellor has written a formal complaint," said Bharat, coach of the Jaipur-based team.
Never has the former British occupancy been so apparent in India. A child was threatened with death via a gun pressed up against his temple and the first thing the guy does is march off to construct a strongly worded letter. I can’t wait till the day that we arm all players and coaches. The prospect of seeing Kobe and Lebron running at each other with AK47’s in the 4th quarter makes me want to have a lie down.

SuperLame


Say "Gormless prick"....

It is without question the dumbest feud in the history of pro-sports. Listening to Shaq and Dwight Howard bicker via media outlets on “who is really Superman” reminds me of the benefits of a punch square to the face. It has gone on and on since All-Star Weekend two years ago, when Howard dressed up as Superman (in a costume as unconvincing as the Mr T effort my mother sent me off in when i was seven.) in order to win the dunk contest. Shaq won’t even talk to Howard as he sees himself as the “true Superman”, with a Superman tattoo, t-shirts, basketball court, sofa and Hummer (with themed dignity notably absent). With every conceivable chance, Shaq spouts venom at Dwight for “stealing the persona he invented”.

                                                These days, this is called "racism". 


“I can’t stop Shaq from saying anything. I just wouldn’t expect that coming from him,” Howard said. “But the only thing I would expect from him is that he would try to help me improve my game and that’s it.” Has he? “No,” Howard said.
I don’t know who I’m more embarrassed for to be honest. But spare a thought for the real Man of Steel, Christopher Reeve who, despite being crippled and dead, could still put up a higher free-throw percentage than both of them.

WORLD’S GREATEST DUNKER ON UK’S MOST AVERAGE TEAM


If you’re anything like me, you love the NBA dunk contest and build orphanages on the weekend. I didn’t even know this but the Leicester Riders squad have attained a man widely regarded as “The World’s Greatest Dunker”.  Guy Dupuy, originally from France, moved to Florida before going on to Leicester (followed presumably by clinical depression) and has wowed local fans with his incredible athletic ability. YouTube is packed with appearances of his from around the world, dunking over chairs, cars and in one case, an entire Mexican family. Midnight Madness finals boasted him and a group known as Team Flight Brothers who have been regulars at many NBA halftime shows.

This of course being Britain, budget issues dictated that we could only arrange a bench clearing brawl for him. A recent game between the Riders and MK Lion’s resulted in both squads pouring off the bench in the 4th quarter, fisticuffs abound (the worst kind of cuffs) which resulted with the ejection of Barry Lamble and The World’s Greatest Dunker.
This brings us all round nicely to the upcoming dunk contest at the NBA All-Star Weekend. If you haven’t heard by now, the NBA and Sprite recently toured America looking for the best amateur dunkers in the country. In conclusion of the tour, 8 regional winners and 2 online submission winners were selected to be part of the final 10 contestants. From these final 10 dunkers, the top 4 vote getters (via public online vote) will be sent to the NBA 2010 All-Star Weekend in Dallas, Texas to participate in the NBA’s Slam Dunk Contest. And yes, our boy Dupuy made the cut, blowing the competition away in San Francisco. (Cue lots of guys placing their fist to their mouth after each dunk and holding themselves upright via one hand on their buddies shoulder. You know who you are.)
Defending champ Nate Robinson of the Knicks, the Bobcat's Gerald Wallace and the Lakers' Shannon Brown will represent the NBA alongside the winners of the Sprite Slam-Dunk Showdown. The big overshadowing story in all of this is that LeBron James was supposed to be attending following a statement made during last year’s competition, but whether its ego or whatever, he decided to jump ship.
But at the end of the day, its not about the opportunity of a lifetime for these amateur guys, but a chance for the rest of us to point and laugh at some of the pretentious names they go by.
Check out these classics from the Sprite tour:
10.          Star Child
9.            Half Man, Half Cut
8.            Grasshopper
7.            Air Up There
6.            40 Cal
5.            Bungeez
4.            Cleveland Steamboat
3.            Special FX
2.            Purty Teeth
1.            Futuristic Bruce

Ok, so i lied a little. 30% of these were made up from a concoction of too much coffee and a handful of Haribo, but you can spend the time-outs deciding which (answers at the bottom of the page).
Jamie.



Answers: 9, 4 and 2 are bare-faced lies.

Basketball: Rotten At It's Core - Superman Dog Edition

INSERT CLEVER SPIDERMAN RELATED HEADLINE HERE

You’ll probably have heard plenty about the Rocks new signing by now. That he’s 6’11” or that he came from another big name school in the states. Its amazing, we know. In years past, some Rocks players’ agents have had to negotiate with paintings made from pasta shapes, so to have three players in one season with degrees from reputable universities is almost surreal. Anyway, more relevant to this column is the fact that Randall’s godfather is Spiderman’s uncle, Ben Parker: The man who coined the phrase, “with great power comes great responsibility” with his dying breath. Cliff Robertson, Oscar winning actor and mentor to superheroes will no doubt be following Randall’s progress as he looks to improve on the Rocks current standings.
The Rocks new centre only just started playing basketball at fifteen years of age and was actually a keen golfer before a growth spurt pushed him away from a life of ridiculous clothes and extra marital affairs. Hanke might be interested to know that golf is particularly popular in Easterhouse, where I’ve seen young men carry the equipment about all day.

ROCKETTES CHARITY SWIMWEAR CALENDAR
Are you a fan of women in very little clothing? How about sick children? If you answer yes to one or both of these questions, I’ve got the perfect thing for you.
Over to Carole Anne:
“You've seen the Rockettes dance at the Kelvin Hall, and now you can take them home!

The Rockettes 2010 Charity Swimwear Calendar is now available to order from www.scottishrockettes.com/sales - it's A3, full-colour and contains 20 pages of swimwear photos of your favourite team's official dance squad!

It's only £8 and all the proceeds go to Cash For Kids and CHAS - please dig deep and order a few for your friends and family and help support these worthwhile charities!

See you soon!”

Carole Anne x
Husbands and Boyfriends: £8 is a small price to pay to get to look at half naked chicks in front of your better halves, guilt free.

Leprechaun Dog Edition: CHILDREN: TEMPERAMENTAL


First off, im not a Flournoy hater. I just like to present facts and walk away, leaving it up to other people to make up their own minds. Aside from officially changing his name to Fabulous (which he kept following the demise of his third-rate transvestite cabaret show) he spent the dying moments of his team’s 105-99 loss to Thunder in the throes of a full blown tantrum. Sterling, if you’re reading, grab a pen: Next time you find your team losing in the 4th quarter, you might want to let off steam by flinging your clipboard on the court and marching your team back to the locker room before the end of the game. BBL officials tried to calm the situation by firstly holding Fab’s hand, making sure he didn’t harm himself or other people, before trying to reason with him in a soft tone of voice. Finally, they just gave Thunder four free throws and wrapped it up. Flournoy said: "In terms of people saying we left the game early, I think it was better to do that with emotions running high. We didn't want to make an ugly situation (created, exclusively by you) any worse.
"Nobody wanted any confrontation and I think it was best taking into account the atmosphere at the time to just head for the locker room. We know the win was taken away from us and how it was taken away from us I don't really want to say much more about it."
Wait, you know “how it was taken away from you”?
 When the rest of the league discovers that Worthing Thunder immorally exploited the “score more points than you” loophole there is going to be hell to pay.