Another insufferable prick goes on a trip and writes a self indulgent blog.
Formerly the unedited versions of the Glasgow Rocks slate columns, now a soapbox for generalisations, snap judgements and cultural ignorance as I travel through the Middle East, India, Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia and Australia.
The karate, sword fighting, basketball movie genre has been quiet recently, so thank God for FIREBALL:
Wipe the spit from your chin and check this for a plot summary:
“Tai gets out of jail and discovers that his twin brother, Tan has been in coma for the past year. Tan had entered the world of Fireball, a violent game based on basketball hosted by underground criminal gangs, to raise money for Tai's early release.” So good, so awesome.
“He and his teammates must risk their lives and fight their way to the final round of the deadly Fireball championships so that Tai can avenge his brother on the court.”
Karate. Swords. Basketball. Comas. Stay out of my wet dreams, Thailand.
Although basketball in India is a sport overshadowed by Cricket, Kabbadi and train surfing, they haven’t completely given up on its potential as a ratings winner. A report has come in that a recent tournament was spiced up by threatening the players at gunpoint.
“Delhi University's basketball team has alleged that it was forced to forfeit its inter-university semi-final match at gunpoint in Banaras because the organisers were keen on two local teams making it to the final.
‘The BHU team couldn't even win a single round and here it has won an all-India event! It's wrong when players are threatened and harmed, and sports takes a back seat to politics,’ Ajay Kumar, Delhi team's manager said.
The tournament ended controversially, with BHU beating the MGKV in the final (held on February 1) at their home court. Rumours were already afloat that the tournament's organizers had predetermined the results so that the two hometown teams face off against each other in the final.
"We had to leave the quarterfinal against BHU midway because they were assaulting and threatening my players on court. They even put a pistol to the head of one of the boys. Our vice-chancellor has written a formal complaint," said Bharat, coach of the Jaipur-based team.
Never has the former British occupancy been so apparent in India. A child was threatened with death via a gun pressed up against his temple and the first thing the guy does is march off to construct a strongly worded letter. I can’t wait till the day that we arm all players and coaches. The prospect of seeing Kobe and Lebron running at each other with AK47’s in the 4th quarter makes me want to have a lie down.
It is without question the dumbest feud in the history of pro-sports. Listening to Shaq and Dwight Howard bicker via media outlets on “who is really Superman” reminds me of the benefits of a punch square to the face. It has gone on and on since All-Star Weekend two years ago, when Howard dressed up as Superman (in a costume as unconvincing as the Mr T effort my mother sent me off in when i was seven.) in order to win the dunk contest. Shaq won’t even talk to Howard as he sees himself as the “true Superman”, with a Superman tattoo, t-shirts, basketball court, sofa and Hummer (with themed dignity notably absent). With every conceivable chance, Shaq spouts venom at Dwight for “stealing the persona he invented”.
These days, this is called "racism".
“I can’t stop Shaq from saying anything. I just wouldn’t expect that coming from him,” Howard said. “But the only thing I would expect from him is that he would try to help me improve my game and that’s it.” Has he? “No,” Howard said.
I don’t know who I’m more embarrassed for to be honest. But spare a thought for the real Man of Steel, Christopher Reeve who, despite being crippled and dead, could still put up a higher free-throw percentage than both of them.
If you’re anything like me, you love the NBA dunk contest and build orphanages on the weekend. I didn’t even know this but the Leicester Riders squad have attained a man widely regarded as “The World’s Greatest Dunker”. Guy Dupuy, originally from France, moved to Florida before going on to Leicester (followed presumably by clinical depression) and has wowed local fans with his incredible athletic ability. YouTube is packed with appearances of his from around the world, dunking over chairs, cars and in one case, an entire Mexican family. Midnight Madness finals boasted him and a group known as Team Flight Brothers who have been regulars at many NBA halftime shows.
This of course being Britain, budget issues dictated that we could only arrange a bench clearing brawl for him. A recent game between the Riders and MK Lion’s resulted in both squads pouring off the bench in the 4th quarter, fisticuffs abound (the worst kind of cuffs) which resulted with the ejection of Barry Lamble and The World’s Greatest Dunker.
This brings us all round nicely to the upcoming dunk contest at the NBA All-Star Weekend. If you haven’t heard by now, the NBA and Sprite recently toured America looking for the best amateur dunkers in the country. In conclusion of the tour, 8 regional winners and 2 online submission winners were selected to be part of the final 10 contestants. From these final 10 dunkers, the top 4 vote getters (via public online vote) will be sent to the NBA 2010 All-Star Weekend in Dallas, Texas to participate in the NBA’s Slam Dunk Contest. And yes, our boy Dupuy made the cut, blowing the competition away in San Francisco. (Cue lots of guys placing their fist to their mouth after each dunk and holding themselves upright via one hand on their buddies shoulder. You know who you are.)
Defending champ Nate Robinson of the Knicks, the Bobcat's Gerald Wallace and the Lakers' Shannon Brown will represent the NBA alongside the winners of the Sprite Slam-Dunk Showdown. The big overshadowing story in all of this is that LeBron James was supposed to be attending following a statement made during last year’s competition, but whether its ego or whatever, he decided to jump ship.
But at the end of the day, its not about the opportunity of a lifetime for these amateur guys, but a chance for the rest of us to point and laugh at some of the pretentious names they go by.
Check out these classics from the Sprite tour:
10. Star Child
9. Half Man, Half Cut
8. Grasshopper
7. Air Up There
6. 40 Cal
5. Bungeez
4. Cleveland Steamboat
3. Special FX
2. Purty Teeth
1. Futuristic Bruce
Ok, so i lied a little. 30% of these were made up from a concoction of too much coffee and a handful of Haribo, but you can spend the time-outs deciding which (answers at the bottom of the page).
You’ll probably have heard plenty about the Rocks new signing by now. That he’s 6’11” or that he came from another big name school in the states. Its amazing, we know. In years past, some Rocks players’ agents have had to negotiate with paintings made from pasta shapes, so to have three players in one season with degrees from reputable universities is almost surreal. Anyway, more relevant to this column is the fact that Randall’s godfather is Spiderman’s uncle, Ben Parker: The man who coined the phrase, “with great power comes great responsibility” with his dying breath. Cliff Robertson, Oscar winning actor and mentor to superheroes will no doubt be following Randall’s progress as he looks to improve on the Rocks current standings.
The Rocks new centre only just started playing basketball at fifteen years of age and was actually a keen golfer before a growth spurt pushed him away from a life of ridiculous clothes and extra marital affairs. Hanke might be interested to know that golf is particularly popular in Easterhouse, where I’ve seen young men carry the equipment about all day.
ROCKETTES CHARITY SWIMWEAR CALENDAR
Are you a fan of women in very little clothing? How about sick children? If you answer yes to one or both of these questions, I’ve got the perfect thing for you.
Over to Carole Anne:
“You've seen the Rockettes dance at the Kelvin Hall, and now you can take them home!
The Rockettes 2010 Charity Swimwear Calendar is now available to order from www.scottishrockettes.com/sales - it's A3, full-colour and contains 20 pages of swimwear photos of your favourite team's official dance squad!
It's only £8 and all the proceeds go to Cash For Kids and CHAS - please dig deep and order a few for your friends and family and help support these worthwhile charities!
See you soon!”
Carole Anne x
Husbands and Boyfriends: £8 is a small price to pay to get to look at half naked chicks in front of your better halves, guilt free.
First off, im not a Flournoy hater. I just like to present facts and walk away, leaving it up to other people to make up their own minds. Aside from officially changing his name to Fabulous (which he kept following the demise of his third-rate transvestite cabaret show) he spent the dying moments of his team’s 105-99 loss to Thunder in the throes of a full blown tantrum. Sterling, if you’re reading, grab a pen: Next time you find your team losing in the 4th quarter, you might want to let off steam by flinging your clipboard on the court and marching your team back to the locker room before the end of the game. BBL officials tried to calm the situation by firstly holding Fab’s hand, making sure he didn’t harm himself or other people, before trying to reason with him in a soft tone of voice. Finally, they just gave Thunder four free throws and wrapped it up. Flournoy said: "In terms of people saying we left the game early, I think it was better to do that with emotions running high. We didn't want to make an ugly situation (created, exclusively by you) any worse.
"Nobody wanted any confrontation and I think it was best taking into account the atmosphere at the time to just head for the locker room. We know the win was taken away from us and how it was taken away from us I don't really want to say much more about it."
Wait, you know “how it was taken away from you”?
When the rest of the league discovers that Worthing Thunder immorally exploited the “score more points than you” loophole there is going to be hell to pay.
