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A graduate of Sports Studies at Paisley University, which is about as rewarding as being the best dancer in the Spinal Unit.

Thursday, 10 December 2009

Racism: Unpopular

Many of you were probably wondering why the Worcester Wolves arrived on the 29th of November fielding a team of children. Details of what had transpired days earlier were sketchy and there were rumours abound as to why pretty much the entire team had been sacked and the coach had resigned. The Rocks took almost full advantage of the bizarre and (as far as my knowledge stretches) unprecedented situation by beating the Wolves by 50 plus, even showing a sporting display in the fourth by allowing the shot clock to expire twice.
According to the Worcester News, at a post match video session Head Coach Chuck Evans spent a couple hours berating players on their performances “using comments that were seen to be of a racist nature”. In response to this, the players then took steps of a striking nature which then led to the coach exiting in a resigning nature. As a result, the management terminated the contracts of Evaldas Zabas, Vidmantis Uzukurailitis, Nerijus Karlikanovas, (no, im not just mashing the keyboard with my fist), Chey Christie, Skouson Harker and ex-Rock Randy “Chino” George. Mercifully, the BBL have granted a few postponements to several of the Worcester fixture as new coach Paul James takes charge.
"It's a challenge that I am glad to take on as the club officials clearly have a passion for the game," he told BBC Hereford & Worcester.
"The foundations are there to be one of the big runners in the league."
James has the pedigree needed to turn around the Wolves' fortunes having formerly coached the England squad at all levels and also enjoyed highly successful spells with Bracknell Tigers and Guildford Heat.
No one really knows what to make of this outside of the Wolves current and former circle. Its utterly bizarre on every level and you can’t help feel for the individuals involved. Essentially, their livelihoods and security have been cut short as a result of (allegedly) the fallout of one person’s verbal outburst. More importantly, it’s not really in keeping with the tone of this column, so here’s a picture of a dog wearing a festive hat. LOOK AT HIS WEE FACE!

Further scandal this week as No1 Magazine’s search for a Scottish man Without Translucent Skin and a Gut came to a dramatic end. NONE of the Scottish Rocks made the cut, even the one that entered. Instead judges took “much deliberation” after “a few turns on the catwalk” (stringent, these competitions. Ability to walk: Check.) they finally decided on Gavin McDonald, Lumberjack (Yes, really) and rugby player (he also lion-tames on the weekend, im sure).
According to No1 Magazine’s website, “He will receive £500 worth of Slaters vouchers, a luxury trip to New York, A modeling contract with Colours, the title of No.1 Hunk and Mr Scotland as well as a photoshoot with No.1 magazine.”
Shortly after being announced as the victor, Gavin said, “It's amazing. I'm so excited."

Ironically for a lumberjack, he was effortlessly upstaged in his first official photo since winning the competition by a flamboyantly dressed tree that ran into shot.
Swings and Roundabouts, eh Gav?

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Crimes Against Humanity and Other Short Stories

Scotland’s hottest celeb gossip magazine continues its relentless expose of the survivors of nuclear holocaust search for the nation’s most attractive males in the latest edition, on sale now.
I threatened last Slate to bring you the inside scoop on No1 Magazine’s HUNK competition and like any semi-efficient, spit-chinned messenger of doom, I return with news.
As reluctant a hunk as Scott Russell is, he still found time to drag his fellow team-mates down to his level and get them photographed for a promotional picture.

Trouble is, as far as i can tell no one thought to tell them. Everyone looks like they’ve been caught off guard, apart from Mike Copeland who appears to be midway through an audition for Kaazam 2. Also, spare a thought for Gareth Murray, whose uncomfortable expression is explained by the fact this is the first picture he’s had taken without holding a police number card.

My insiders managed to get me a list of questions that are presented to every hunk, and its with sweaty glee i present them here. At this point, i encourage you to take a few minutes, imagine for a second that youre good looking and answer them yourself:
- How did your entry come about? Did you do it yourself? Girlfriend?
- Did you know you were being entered? What were thoughts on it?
- What does a No.1 Hunk do on a daily basis to keep himself in tip top shape?
- What will you do if you win? If you don't win, what position would you be happy with?
- What do you think of your competition so far? (other entries)
- What do you think it takes to be a No.1 Hunk? Why should people vote for you? What makes you the one who should win?
- What would you like to say to your fans and those you want to vote for you?

Let me be frank. The fact that some of the entries are plumbers and pipe fitters is not by accident. No one had a modelling career that fell by the wayside after that position came available at KFC.
No1 Magazine have stopped taking entries but voting lines are now open. Scott needs your votes, so get on to the website like youre voting for Jedward.
Its always good at this point to get an outside prospective and who better than ex-Rock Julius “JJ” Joseph, who weighed in with a message on facebook. Upon seeing the pictures, he summed up the situation with the academic grace of Choamsky.
"Oh man the worlds about to end, send this to big Mo, he'll wet his pants!!! LMAO!!!"