THE DEFINITIVE BEST DUNKERS OF ALL TIME

 Not featuring Michael Jordan. Deal with it.

If you're anything like me, you were once the kingpin of a highly profitable Lativian prostitution racket and are also big fans of dunking.

I spent most of my early life cursing God for bestowing me with not only chicken legs, but also an overwhelming, crippling laziness. Faced with both of these obstacles, I couldn't even be bothered filling in the form to send away for Jumpsoles (tm).

Regardless, dunking is an enviable ability. Its also something spectacular enough to have transcended sports and filtered its way down to your gran. She may be trying to change the channel on the mirror but she is still familiar with the term, "slam-dunk".

So without further ado, here's my opinion of the best of all time. The All-Star dunk contest features a dream team of nobodies every year who are able to swing the ball about in attempt to illicit a response from the typically zombie crowd. Sure, they can jump, but the guys below have led thier respective generations by quite literally being freaks of nature.

First up and in no particular order:


1. Shawn Kemp

Before Shawn got traded by the Seattle Supersonics and discovered the bakery, this 6,11" forward looked like an extra from Avatar.




2. Dominque Wilkins

'The Human Highlight Film' was 6,8" and had springs for legs. He spent most of the 80's dunking on everyone (look out for one where he almost kills Larry Bird) before being traded to the Clippers and to his credit, not slipping into drink, drugs and self-mutilation.



3. Vince Carter

'Vinsanity' or at one point, the depressing, budget flight sounding, 'Air Canada'. When Carter arrived in the league with fresh legs and before anybody discovered his playoff disappearing act, he was beyond comparsion.

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FIBA TO WOMEN: KNOW YOUR LIMITS

When I leave for work in the morning, I can't help being startled by women.
Women wearing trousers, women in flat shoes, women sitting all the way down the front of the bus and even using my water fountain. Sometimes I overhear them throwing around their own opinions like they know what they're talking about. 

With all of this liberal nonsense beginning to spiral out of control, its great to know one organisation, FIBA, is setting back women's rights back forty years.

Smack me around for my back-chat, USA TODAY:

"Lower baskets, new uniforms and a new start date for the world championship were just a few ideas discussed at the first women's basketball summit.

"There were a lot of topics covered," said USA Basketball past president Val Ackerman, who helped spearhead the conference. "There was talk about lowering the rims. The notion is that no one in women's basketball has experimented in a serious way. It's something that might enhance the game, leading to dunking, fewer missed shots."

While lowering the baskets a few inches would be considered a radical idea, it's something that the members were willing to discuss. Such a monumental change in the game is still many years away from potentially being implemented.

"One of the conclusions was that we need to change the rules if we want to make the game a bit more attractive," said FIBA Secretary General and IOC member Patrick Baumann. "We have the smaller ball and now it's time to lower the rim. It will be tested."

It was also reported that several women stepped up to offer their advice and guidance on the proposal, but we're ultimately told "not to worry their pretty little heads". 

In all seriousness and having experience with the women's basketball set-up, I was under the impression that they were getting along just fine. Its true that the WNBA has lower attendances and coverage than the NBA, but mumble mumble something something (please offer your own explanations in the facebook comments section). Here's Sports Illustrated's take. 

Personally, my experience is that women's basketball is some of the best entertainment you can get within professional (or amateur) sports. I find that when watching the game, i'm consistenly surprised by the amount of abuse and violence involved. And not because they're women, but because they're human beings. Sure, dunking isn't commonplace, but that doesn't affect your enjoyment or indeed the overall quality of the play.

If you don't believe me, go along and see for yourself. 

Of course, lets cut to the chase here. The main difference between men and women's basketball is when they fight, ladies don't give a shit what they look like.


And you know things are out of hand when you've got BILL LAIMBEER trying to calm things down.

THE BREAK-UP: A Summer of LeBron

If you don't mind, things are going to get a little less about dick jokes and dogs-in-superman costumes for a minute, so put on your big boy pants and we'll begin.

Game 6 of the 2010 NBA Playoff second round: As I sat watching the game live on ESPN with Lebron James racking up 27 points, 19 rebounds and 10 assists and the seconds wile away, I was absolutely sure i'd just seen the world's (arguably) best player throw the game.
 Not just the game, but his legacy and status with the Cleveland Cavaliers organisation. Something didn't feel right. Yeah, he racked up a triple double, but at no point did I feel he wanted to go any further in the post-season. In fact, the entire team seemed to lack heart of any kind. At one point, with the season on the line, Anderson Varejao stopped the entire offense in the 4th quarter as he complained to the ref's about a tiny cut on his forehead. Lebron continued dribbling the ball, casually watching as the whole Boston defence looked on bemused. No-one, not the coach, bench or players on-court reacted to what was a pathetic issue when the entire years efforts were about to be pissed away. The game continued with James ripping rebounds violently and galloping up the court with seemingly evil intent, before slowing to a stop and passing up open shots. Every so often he would have a burst of points and assists, but stopping short of actually taking the lead. The game finished with no fight or desire, no attempt to foul and claw back respect. A couple of months later, it turned out I wasn't the only one with suspicions.

The buzzer sounded and the ball pitter pattered to a standstill.
James walked off the court to empty seats and boo's from what little crowd there was left. Of course, at this point Lebron had made no inclination that he was leaving the Cavaliers, a city who had harboured and worshipped him for seven years. Even his teammates knew nothing of his intentions.
A couple days later, rumours started to fly as it became apparent that the team fragmentation may have started with a 'Yo Momma' joke come to life, as team-mate Delonte West was widely known to be having a relationship with Lebron's mother. When I say 'widely known', this had until recently, been a circle that hadn't encompassed LeBron himself.

"...and me and your mother will get you on weekends..."

The summer quickly generated into a waiting game for the basketball world with what was the most memorable collection of free-agents in a long time. Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade and James among others were all out of contract and were being wooed by every team in the league with anything from hundreds of millions of dollars (Knicks) to paintings made of pasta shapes (Clippers). After several weeks, Chris Bosh announced his signing with the Miami Heat and friend, Wade.

 Like Christmas at Rhianna's house, Cleveland clenched as they closed thier eyes and braced for the hit. Despite being almost inevitable, there were still the few Cavs fans that had faith in the concept of loyalty and the foundation their number 23 had laid down. It was not to be.
Through the most ego-driven way possible, LeBron and ESPN combined to create an hour of excruciation. Dragging out what should have been a brief announcement within a press conference, The King and his management team turned their national hero status around in just one hour with what is infamously known as "The Decision".

An obnoxious and self-important special was exactly what Cleveland didn't need. They were clearly enamoured with the guy. At the very least, they should have had it broken to them gently over coffee. Put yourself in thier position. You hear your relationship is over via a nationally televised special and that they're leaving you for someone about 20 degrees hotter. Men, pffft.




"I fucking hate my job."



Well, you can imagine the response. Actually you can't. Unless you live in a country recently invaded by The Great Satan and burning effigies is just something you do on the weekend. Dumbfounded fans demonstrated the way they felt by doing this, this and then this. No one was more eliquent than the Cav's owner, Dan Gilbert who felt he needed to post an open letter to the people of his city about the situation and "personally guarantee that the Cleveland Cavaliers will win an NBA Championship before the self-titled former 'king' wins one."

I'm pretty sure at this point that the guys burning jerseys and getting arrested would have sobered up instantly and gained some perspective.

Once the initial shock had sunk in, people started wondering what this team were going to do with it's three superstars.Well, two. Chris Bosh (Below) is only famous for having the most ridiculous head to body ratio in the world.

 Would they gel? Would they buckle under the pressure?
 Time would tell. The guys that paved the way for James in Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan weighed in on the subject and largely disapproved of his change of surroundings, the former calling it a "punk move".

Personally, I could understand.
1. You swap Cleveland for Miami: Essentially moving from a city where the favourite local past time wasn't basketball, but clincal depression.
2. You get to play with your friends: As opposed to someone who is allegedly banging your mother.
3. You increase your chances of winning a championship by tenfold.

Hitchhiking: Hard work

So, whatever. Yeah, sure you showed no consideration to the people who treat you like a God. You should acknowledge you are pursuing something you want for selfish reasons and in this case, loyalty and integrity took a back seat.


Then came this interview last week that included this exchange:

Interviewer, referring to the months of backlash following "The Decision"): “Do you think there’s a role that race plays in this?”


James: “I think so at times. It’s always, you know, a race factor.”

This single retort suggests to me that this 6'8", 250 lbs of obscene talent has reached the point of no return.
They had a picture of him the size of a building. He has literally millions of fans that scream for him, praise him, express disbelief for his abilities. He's on the cover of newspapers and magazines in hundreds of languages across the world. Television beams replays of dunks, passes and blocks to audiences of billions more. Regardless, the interviewer opened LeBron up to an opportunity to redeem himself a little and acknowledge his actions while hopefully showing a glimmer of understanding for human nature.

It was not to be. He couldn't possibly be at fault here, so what else could it be?

But of course, this was never about race. It was about consideration.

The one element that no healthy realtionship will work without.

SHIT JUST GOT REAL: The evolution of basketball video games



If you’re anything like me, you love basketball video games and were once arrested in Mexico for the illegal trafficking of exotic cats.

When I was about 16, I remember purchasing NBA Live 95 on the Sega Megadrive and sitting playing it until 4am. It had been at least 7 or 8 hours straight, I hadn’t eaten anything and at this stage in my lobotomised delirium it became a real struggle to retain saliva. I was deep in the playoffs when one of the players in my Bulls team went up for a dunk and without warning, shattered the backboard, sending the crowd wild and sent shards of graphical glass all over the court.

Up till this point in my life I had never experienced something so utterly awesome. With the crippling brain-fatigue I had experienced in the last 24 hours I honestly thought I was part of some Inception-style dream infiltration. Instead, it was simply a very rare instance in the game that the developers decided to include for the purposes of freaking out particularly awkward teenagers.

Since the blocky days of the Atari 2600 where basketball games (in fact, all games) were reminiscent of animated crossword puzzles, the genre has come a long way.
 Proceedings kicked off in 1991 with EA’s Lakers versus Celtics where (basic as it was) you could perform Jordan’s “Air Reverse Lay-Up”, a Barkley “Gorilla Dunk” and laugh at Kareem’s dorky goggles.

 After a few years of products named after the finals match-up of that year, they took on the mantle of the now famous NBA Live series. This brought with it every player and team in the league, (as well as a create a player option) NBA All-Star Weekend which includes the Rookie Challenge, Three Point Shootout, Slam Dunk Contest, and the NBA All-Star Game. Naturally, graphics improved to an eerie level, capturing not just the likeness of the players and coaches, but everything including the on-court reflections brought on by the likes of the Staples Centre. 

With all these advances, the majority of these games left behind one vital aspect: Michael Jordan. The greatest of all time cost serious money to licence and as a result was omitted from most of the series. However, this year a different developer, 2K, has changed all of this. As well as everything EA has ever done, they have extended the virtual basketball player experience to a whole new level. Michael Jordan IS included and playable in ten of his most famous games, unlocking many famous moments.

How so...? Well, for instance, scoring threes in the first half against Portland in the finals means Jordan will turn to the scorer’s table and shrug as he did in 1992. If you don’t think that’s awesome, I think it’s time you and me called it a day.

Oh yeah, If your team win the championship you get to go to the White House and meet Barack Obama.

If I played for the Clippers, I’d look like this too.

For NBA 2k12, the developer is planning to refine the pro-player experience by including a post-career mode where your must battle failed marriages and business ventures, a crippling drink/drug problem and manslaughter charges before your eventual death in a motel room at age 39.

Jamie Barr

“I’M PLAYING LIKE A FROG!”

True story, Ron Ron.
Lunatics get a bad rep. Thankfully, someone somewhere is attempting to remedy the issue by mixing them with children. Yes, everyone’s favourite nutjob, Ron Artest, is taking timeout from fist fighting fans in order to head into the community.

“Gemini. Likes long walks in the park, socialising. No time wasters pls...”

From the Associated Press: Next week, Lakers forward Ron Artest and Congresswoman Grace F. Napolitano will join forces (TOGETHER! AT LAST! - Ed) to combat mental health problems and promote the Mental Health in Schools Act. The two will head to Eastmont Intermediate School in Montebello and talk to the students about the stigma of mental illness and encourage them to seek assistance. They hope to raise awareness and call for the passage of federal legislation HR 2531, which would establish mental health programs across the country.”
Personally, I wouldn’t want the man who once said, “Sure, I killed three guys in da hood one night. But they stole my twinkies. That ain't happening”, anywhere near my kids no more than I’d want Cat Dunker Mary Bale looking after my pets. He also was arrested for beating his wife in 2007, although it is with crippling disappointment I reveal there are no plans for him and OJ Simpson to open a marriage counselling service.

Here's a great interview from Artest on the infamous brawl in Detroit, along with some sage advice on the dangers of beer: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTweSYhqhJ0&feature=related

SERBS vs GREEKS vs CHAIRS. BUT WHO’S BETTER?

There’s only one way to find out! In what could be viewed as the cheapest (albeit, most entertaining) opening ceremony to a major sporting event, Serbia and Greece had themselves a throwdown last week to mark the start of the FIBA Basketball World Championships.

    Chair loved to photobomb.

In this “friendly”, that showcased more punching and kicking than featured in a regular basketball games, Oklahoma City Thunder’s Nenad Krstic topped off the whole affair very nicely with a flying chair just as things were calming down. Krstic was detained by police overnight, and has since been released. It should also be noted that Greece's "sports violence squad" is examining the footage and deciding whether or not to press charges. The fact one even exists means that watching ESPN in Greece is 400% more entertaining than in the UK.

"I believe he acted in self-defence and grabbed a chair after some half-naked (Greek) fans rushed into the court," Greece coach Ivkovic said. "The chair fell from his hand and grazed Bouroussis."

Ah, the old ‘half-naked Greek’ card. If I had a penny for every time I’ve played that one...

Kristic will miss the first three games of the FIBA World Championship, while his teammate Milos Teodosic will be out the first two. On the Greek side, both Antonis Fotsis and Sofoklis Schortsanitis are suspended for Greece's first two games. In related news, Greek parents name their kids by getting drunk and throwing fridge magnets at each other.