Crimes Against Humanity and Other Short Stories

Scotland’s hottest celeb gossip magazine continues its relentless expose of the survivors of nuclear holocaust search for the nation’s most attractive males in the latest edition, on sale now.
I threatened last Slate to bring you the inside scoop on No1 Magazine’s HUNK competition and like any semi-efficient, spit-chinned messenger of doom, I return with news.
As reluctant a hunk as Scott Russell is, he still found time to drag his fellow team-mates down to his level and get them photographed for a promotional picture.

Trouble is, as far as i can tell no one thought to tell them. Everyone looks like they’ve been caught off guard, apart from Mike Copeland who appears to be midway through an audition for Kaazam 2. Also, spare a thought for Gareth Murray, whose uncomfortable expression is explained by the fact this is the first picture he’s had taken without holding a police number card.


My insiders managed to get me a list of questions that are presented to every hunk, and its with sweaty glee i present them here. At this point, i encourage you to take a few minutes, imagine for a second that youre good looking and answer them yourself:
- How did your entry come about? Did you do it yourself? Girlfriend?
- Did you know you were being entered? What were thoughts on it?
- What does a No.1 Hunk do on a daily basis to keep himself in tip top shape?
- What will you do if you win? If you don't win, what position would you be happy with?
- What do you think of your competition so far? (other entries)
- What do you think it takes to be a No.1 Hunk? Why should people vote for you? What makes you the one who should win?
- What would you like to say to your fans and those you want to vote for you?

Let me be frank. The fact that some of the entries are plumbers and pipe fitters is not by accident. No one had a modelling career that fell by the wayside after that position came available at KFC.
No1 Magazine have stopped taking entries but voting lines are now open. Scott needs your votes, so get on to the website like youre voting for Jedward.
Its always good at this point to get an outside prospective and who better than ex-Rock Julius “JJ” Joseph, who weighed in with a message on facebook. Upon seeing the pictures, he summed up the situation with the academic grace of Choamsky.
"Oh man the worlds about to end, send this to big Mo, he'll wet his pants!!! LMAO!!!"
Jamie.