ALL-STAR EDITION

Insert your own HIV related gag here

Several things of note happened at this year’s NBA All-Star game that are worth talking about, so slip on your smoking jackets and we’ll begin:

Blake Superior

No-one has seen a dunker like Griffin in decades, so his hype was off the charts in the lead-up to the contest. The only other guy that could challenge him was Avatar reject JaVale McGee, who to his credit threw down some crazy dunks but just didn’t match the pageantry that the other contestants brought. Props and gimmicks appeared to be the theme this year with stuffed toys, extra balls, extra hoops and at one point, an obnoxious Chinese kid were all rolled out to assist with attempts.

In the end though, Blake and his “dunk coach”, Kenny Smith (Side note: Griffin needs dunk advice from Kenny Smith like Gary Glitter needs a summer Au Pair job) conjured up a final effort that saw him clear a car, all set to the warblings of a 30 person gospel choir singing “I Believe I Can Fly”.

Once the court had cleared of all the extra staff, vehicles and singers it was JaVale’s job to finish up the contest in the most excruciating and lonely fashion possible, set to the soundtrack of deadly silence. Unless he planned to dunk over a recently unearthed corpse of Wilt Chamberlain, the crowd and judges would fail to pay attention.

LeBron vs Kobe

Traditionally, the All-Star game is disappointing like your kids. Lack of defence and intensity for the first three and a half quarters makes for a horrible feeling that you stayed up till 4am for very little. That was the case for much of this year’s contest but for a couple of individuals that made things a little more interesting. As Kobe jacked up 400 shots on the way to 37 points and 14 boards, LeBron could be seen taking things more seriously than his East counterparts. He went coast to coast on several plays and just as the West seemed to be cruising to a blowout, James dragged his squad to within a single point, before free-throws killed the game. At one point during the game, Bryant was horsing down the court for an open jam while being chased by LeBron. He got a hand on the ball before Kobe managed to put it away, prompting a pat-on-the-backside taunt/acknowledge from the Lakers guard. In the end, LeBron notched up only the second triple double in All-Star history, the first being Michael Jordan.

Bieber Fever

The world is such a fractured place, with so many people clamouring to be attached to a particular group. Whether it be religious, political, national or sporting in nature, everyone needs to belong to something. It makes us feel less alone. While revolutions rage in the Middle East and people come together to fight against evil dictatorships, the West has its own crimes against humanity to contend with. Simply put, there are those of us who appreciate Justin Bieber and those who would prefer to watch him check out of this earthly plane in the most violent and messy fashion possible.

To his credit, he has a decent crossover. He also hit a couple threes. But he was about as deserving of the MVP as Fred West would be of a Gardener of the Year award. 

                                                                                                                                

 
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CHARITABLE CHI LEWIS-PARRY DATES DISADVANTAGED WOMEN ON "TAKE ME OUT"

Much of this week’s buzz has been that former Rocks player, Chi Lewis-Parry was a contestant on dating show, “Take Me Out”. (Full title: "Take Me Out To The Garden And Finish Me Off With Your Shoe, I'm A Fucking Disgrace".)

If you’re unfamiliar with the concept, here’s some official blurb from the website:

“Matchmaker Paddy McGuinness is here to fix up a host of sexy single ladies from across the UK in the hope of finding a match made in heaven. Each week, four brave bachelor boys will have to impress Paddy's flirty thirty to try and bag themselves a date. But if the girls don't like what they see then the boys face a black out and a trip back home alone.”

Basically, it’s this generation’s version of Blind Date. Whereas before the individual would base their decision not on looks, but on their intellectual responses to three personally tailored questions, Take Me Out throws men out to a baying crowd of barely functional creatures masquerading as “the opposite sex” all desperately looking for some sort of relationship past that of their psychotherapists.

Many women keep their lights on until they hear some sort of flicker of humanity in the potential suitors’ personality and the light goes off, meaning that they roll over to the next week like a depressing, handicap-centric national lottery. The smell of desperation in the air is thick enough to cut with a knife, if you hadn’t been already using it to self-harm.

Anyway, Chi was on it, right?

CLP has been keeping himself busy since leaving the Rocks, not least surprising me on the toilet (not for the first time) when his face peered back at me in a Sony Bravia magazine advert. He has been acting a little bit as well as modelling, while getting back into mixed martial arts in a big way.

His latest TV exposure did us all proud. From his arrival on the stage he managed to keep all of the thirty lights on, impress the crowd with a dunk and prove himself to be a true humanitarian: His choice was a Glaswegian girl who looked like the only thing she has ever been accompanied with was a fixed-ankle tracking braclet.

Thanks Chi. I think we all learned a thing or two about what it takes to be a good person.

 UPDATE!
Highlights from the show:

http://www.itv.com/takemeout/previously/week4/week4highlightvideo3/

 
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EX-ROCK YANDERS HITS $20,000 HALF-COURT SHOT

"Look at the finish, the release, the follow through!"

Yes, all of these things make a half-court shot an easier achievement. Being a PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL PLAYER doesn't hurt your chances either.


Midfirst are a bank that have been involved in stumping up the cash for halfcourt shots for years. Traditionally, they have often been seen to protect themselves from pay-outs by choosing, "at random", people with as many disabilities as its possible to compound into one body.

Bitter up my mouth, Newsok.com:

"Yanders raced from halfcourt toward the scorer’s table, eyes wide, mouth open, arms raised looking for someone to celebrate with. Russell Westbrook, arms also raised by then, looked willing to initiate an embrace. Kevin Durant, too. But Yanders zipped right and finally found a familiar face. He jumped into the arms of Thunder house emcee Joel Decker while 18,000 roared in appreciation."

“It happened so fast,” Yanders said of the shot. “I remember being asked (in the tunnel) what kind of shot will you shoot, a two-hand shot or a one-handed shot? I just said I’m going to shoot it as if I really wanted it to go in. And that’s what I did, man. And it went in.”

Good for him. Out of 25,000 Thunder fans they picked a guy that was as qualified to take a half-court shot as Stephen Hawking would be in a 'sitting still' competition.

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GIESSEN PLAYERS DUNK PROMPTS FIRST EVER MID-GAME DRUGS TEST

I have absolutely no information about the Giessen Pointers professional team, other than they appear to play in a gym that rivals some of SLBA's finest division three outfits. Anyway, take note of two things on this video taken by someone's dad in the stands: His take off and height when he finishes. If im not mistaken, he appears to get nipple-level with the hoop:

EURO-BASKETBALL FANS AND OTHER ANIMALS

In the last BBL playoff finals, Rocks fans were told by the announcer to sit down and stop being so loud as they were distracting other people in attendance. In other situations, people complained about a drum that is used to lead the chants of “DEFENCE”,  possibly due to the terrifying concept of ‘atmosphere’.

 

I can imagine BBL officials shitting themselves lifeless at the prospect of the kind of crowd response highlighted in the video below, which is one of any moment at a Panathanikos game. Not, as you could be forgiven for thinking, a snippet from Hitlers inaugriation speech to Nazi Germany.

In fact, across in Europe you are completely free to sit nonchalantly with 20,000 of your buddies waving a stick of burning magnesium that is capable of searing your face off five times over, while kicking the face off a puppy. You can't buy passion like that. 

Here’s a three of the best examples:

1.       During Game 3 of the championship series between 7 years running champion Panathinaikos and Olympiacos the refereeing crew was so horrendous that the fans in attendance started to have serious issues over numerous blown calls. Perhaps a little uninterested at the prospect of pointlessly booing, the fans decided to get straight to the point and throw some M-80 firecrackers at the officials. Unfortunately the explosives landed directly under one of the team benches, which forced security to get decked out in full riot gear to attempt to regain some law and order. After nearly an hour break the game resumed until a few more incendiary devices were again launched towards officials. Eventually the game had to be called for safety, with Panathinaikos taking home their 8th straight Greek League Title and irreparably ruined underwear. (SKIP TO 2.50 for the incident)

2.

During an AEK Athens game (Yup, Greeks again) one fan held up play for several minutes as he felt the need to clamber on the basket in support of his squad. The atmosphere was already like an underground dog-fighting venue before the unnamed hero (with the kind of flesh on display that could encourage Greek birth rates to drop for a decade) took to the hoop. Nestled in between the backboard and shot-clock, the topless gent fist-pumped like a champ to the ecstatic chants of his fellow fans. The most awesome part is that police and security just waited for him to get bored and calmly walk back to his seat, instead of what would happen if it took place in the US: announcing it as an international incident and having him waterboarded.

3. The day I get to replace David Stern as NBA commisioner, all finals will be decided henceforthwith, serbian style:

Game one will be a casual affair, with regular rules. Good luck to both squads, may the best team win.

Game two will run normally until the fourth quarter, where a mass brawl will kick off and up to 18 players will be ejected. Larger players sending smaller players spiralling off in to distance with javelin-like throws is not only permitted, but widely encouraged. Due to the number of ejections, the game will finish with a laughable three on three full-court contest.

Game three called off as only one team will turn up. Championship awarded to winner of Games one and two.

HS BASKETBALL COACH WHIPS PLAYERS INTO SHAPE, A and E

If you can't walk into a high school gym these days and brutally flog your players without some kind of court proceedings, then my friends, the terrorists have won.

From CNN: 

"A shocking cell phone video shows a high school basketball coach using a weightlifting belt to whip one of his players.
More players at the school, Murrah High School in Jackson, Miss., say they have been whipped too. The coach, asst. coach Marlon Dorsey, admitted to paddling the boys and is now reportedly on leave. Some of the parents have filed a lawsuit against the school district.
This morning, one of the fathers, Jason Hubbard, Sr., tells Ali Velshi what happened to his 15-year-old son, who is not the player in the video but was allegedly hit.
Also, Lisa Ross, the attorney representing the parents of three players in the suit against coach Dorsey, Principal Frederick Murray and the Jackson School District, details the laws at play in the case."



Its shocking. Just shocking. I mean, how old is the phone he's filming that on? I can barely make out a thing.

GRIFFIN WATCH: Oompa Loompa Dog Edition

"...yeah, you better walk away."

Black Chapters favourite and certified freak of nature Blake Griffin has been steadily topping every dunk he has had this season, all the while being on yet another crappy Clippers team (1-11). The promise of millions of NBA dollars pales with the reality of having to be part of the basketball franchise equivalent to a Rustlers burger. A small consolation is you get flirted with by a dude wearing some Chilean Miner sunglasses.