SHIT JUST GOT REAL: The evolution of basketball video games



If you’re anything like me, you love basketball video games and were once arrested in Mexico for the illegal trafficking of exotic cats.

When I was about 16, I remember purchasing NBA Live 95 on the Sega Megadrive and sitting playing it until 4am. It had been at least 7 or 8 hours straight, I hadn’t eaten anything and at this stage in my lobotomised delirium it became a real struggle to retain saliva. I was deep in the playoffs when one of the players in my Bulls team went up for a dunk and without warning, shattered the backboard, sending the crowd wild and sent shards of graphical glass all over the court.

Up till this point in my life I had never experienced something so utterly awesome. With the crippling brain-fatigue I had experienced in the last 24 hours I honestly thought I was part of some Inception-style dream infiltration. Instead, it was simply a very rare instance in the game that the developers decided to include for the purposes of freaking out particularly awkward teenagers.

Since the blocky days of the Atari 2600 where basketball games (in fact, all games) were reminiscent of animated crossword puzzles, the genre has come a long way.
 Proceedings kicked off in 1991 with EA’s Lakers versus Celtics where (basic as it was) you could perform Jordan’s “Air Reverse Lay-Up”, a Barkley “Gorilla Dunk” and laugh at Kareem’s dorky goggles.

 After a few years of products named after the finals match-up of that year, they took on the mantle of the now famous NBA Live series. This brought with it every player and team in the league, (as well as a create a player option) NBA All-Star Weekend which includes the Rookie Challenge, Three Point Shootout, Slam Dunk Contest, and the NBA All-Star Game. Naturally, graphics improved to an eerie level, capturing not just the likeness of the players and coaches, but everything including the on-court reflections brought on by the likes of the Staples Centre. 

With all these advances, the majority of these games left behind one vital aspect: Michael Jordan. The greatest of all time cost serious money to licence and as a result was omitted from most of the series. However, this year a different developer, 2K, has changed all of this. As well as everything EA has ever done, they have extended the virtual basketball player experience to a whole new level. Michael Jordan IS included and playable in ten of his most famous games, unlocking many famous moments.

How so...? Well, for instance, scoring threes in the first half against Portland in the finals means Jordan will turn to the scorer’s table and shrug as he did in 1992. If you don’t think that’s awesome, I think it’s time you and me called it a day.

Oh yeah, If your team win the championship you get to go to the White House and meet Barack Obama.

If I played for the Clippers, I’d look like this too.

For NBA 2k12, the developer is planning to refine the pro-player experience by including a post-career mode where your must battle failed marriages and business ventures, a crippling drink/drug problem and manslaughter charges before your eventual death in a motel room at age 39.

Jamie Barr

“I’M PLAYING LIKE A FROG!”

True story, Ron Ron.
Lunatics get a bad rep. Thankfully, someone somewhere is attempting to remedy the issue by mixing them with children. Yes, everyone’s favourite nutjob, Ron Artest, is taking timeout from fist fighting fans in order to head into the community.

“Gemini. Likes long walks in the park, socialising. No time wasters pls...”

From the Associated Press: Next week, Lakers forward Ron Artest and Congresswoman Grace F. Napolitano will join forces (TOGETHER! AT LAST! - Ed) to combat mental health problems and promote the Mental Health in Schools Act. The two will head to Eastmont Intermediate School in Montebello and talk to the students about the stigma of mental illness and encourage them to seek assistance. They hope to raise awareness and call for the passage of federal legislation HR 2531, which would establish mental health programs across the country.”
Personally, I wouldn’t want the man who once said, “Sure, I killed three guys in da hood one night. But they stole my twinkies. That ain't happening”, anywhere near my kids no more than I’d want Cat Dunker Mary Bale looking after my pets. He also was arrested for beating his wife in 2007, although it is with crippling disappointment I reveal there are no plans for him and OJ Simpson to open a marriage counselling service.

Here's a great interview from Artest on the infamous brawl in Detroit, along with some sage advice on the dangers of beer: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTweSYhqhJ0&feature=related

SERBS vs GREEKS vs CHAIRS. BUT WHO’S BETTER?

There’s only one way to find out! In what could be viewed as the cheapest (albeit, most entertaining) opening ceremony to a major sporting event, Serbia and Greece had themselves a throwdown last week to mark the start of the FIBA Basketball World Championships.

    Chair loved to photobomb.

In this “friendly”, that showcased more punching and kicking than featured in a regular basketball games, Oklahoma City Thunder’s Nenad Krstic topped off the whole affair very nicely with a flying chair just as things were calming down. Krstic was detained by police overnight, and has since been released. It should also be noted that Greece's "sports violence squad" is examining the footage and deciding whether or not to press charges. The fact one even exists means that watching ESPN in Greece is 400% more entertaining than in the UK.

"I believe he acted in self-defence and grabbed a chair after some half-naked (Greek) fans rushed into the court," Greece coach Ivkovic said. "The chair fell from his hand and grazed Bouroussis."

Ah, the old ‘half-naked Greek’ card. If I had a penny for every time I’ve played that one...

Kristic will miss the first three games of the FIBA World Championship, while his teammate Milos Teodosic will be out the first two. On the Greek side, both Antonis Fotsis and Sofoklis Schortsanitis are suspended for Greece's first two games. In related news, Greek parents name their kids by getting drunk and throwing fridge magnets at each other.

FIREBALL, BITCHES!

The karate, sword fighting, basketball movie genre has been quiet recently, so thank God for FIREBALL:



Wipe the spit from your chin and check this for a plot summary:
“Tai gets out of jail and discovers that his twin brother, Tan has been in coma for the past year. Tan had entered the world of Fireball, a violent game based on basketball hosted by underground criminal gangs, to raise money for Tai's early release.” So good, so awesome.
“He and his teammates must risk their lives and fight their way to the final round of the deadly Fireball championships so that Tai can avenge his brother on the court.”

Karate. Swords. Basketball. Comas. Stay out of my wet dreams, Thailand.

LOVE AND BASKETBALL. AND GUNS!

Although basketball in India is a sport overshadowed by Cricket, Kabbadi and train surfing, they haven’t completely given up on its potential as a ratings winner. A report has come in that a recent tournament was spiced up by threatening the players at gunpoint.

“Delhi University's basketball team has alleged that it was forced to forfeit its inter-university semi-final match at gunpoint in Banaras because the organisers were keen on two local teams making it to the final.
‘The BHU team couldn't even win a single round and here it has won an all-India event! It's wrong when players are threatened and harmed, and sports takes a back seat to politics,’ Ajay Kumar, Delhi team's manager said.

The tournament ended controversially, with BHU beating the MGKV in the final (held on February 1) at their home court. Rumours were already afloat that the tournament's organizers had predetermined the results so that the two hometown teams face off against each other in the final.

"We had to leave the quarterfinal against BHU midway because they were assaulting and threatening my players on court. They even put a pistol to the head of one of the boys. Our vice-chancellor has written a formal complaint," said Bharat, coach of the Jaipur-based team.

Never has the former British occupancy been so apparent in India. A child was threatened with death via a gun pressed up against his temple and the first thing the guy does is march off to construct a strongly worded letter. I can’t wait till the day that we arm all players and coaches. The prospect of seeing Kobe and Lebron running at each other with AK47’s in the 4^th quarter makes me want to have a lie down.

SuperLame

Say "Gormless prick"....

It is without question the dumbest feud in the history of pro-sports. Listening to Shaq and Dwight Howard bicker via media outlets on “who is really Superman” reminds me of the benefits of a punch square to the face. It has gone on and on since All-Star Weekend two years ago, when Howard dressed up as Superman (in a costume as unconvincing as the Mr T effort my mother sent me off in when i was seven.) in order to win the dunk contest. Shaq won’t even talk to Howard as he sees himself as the “true Superman”, with a Superman tattoo, t-shirts, basketball court, sofa and Hummer (with themed dignity notably absent). With every conceivable chance, Shaq spouts venom at Dwight for “stealing the persona he invented”.

                                                These days, this is called "racism". 


“I can’t stop Shaq from saying anything. I just wouldn’t expect that coming from him,” Howard said. “But the only thing I would expect from him is that he would try to help me improve my game and that’s it.” Has he? “No,” Howard said.

I don’t know who I’m more embarrassed for to be honest. But spare a thought for the real Man of Steel, Christopher Reeve who, despite being crippled and dead, could still put up a higher free-throw percentage than both of them.

WORLD’S GREATEST DUNKER ON UK’S MOST AVERAGE TEAM

If you’re anything like me, you love the NBA dunk contest and build orphanages on the weekend. I didn’t even know this but the Leicester Riders squad have attained a man widely regarded as “The World’s Greatest Dunker”.  Guy Dupuy, originally from France, moved to Florida before going on to Leicester (followed presumably by clinical depression) and has wowed local fans with his incredible athletic ability. YouTube is packed with appearances of his from around the world, dunking over chairs, cars and in one case, an entire Mexican family. Midnight Madness finals boasted him and a group known as Team Flight Brothers who have been regulars at many NBA halftime shows.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJTQ7fX9zXk

This of course being Britain, budget issues dictated that we could only arrange a bench clearing brawl for him. A recent game between the Riders and MK Lion’s resulted in both squads pouring off the bench in the 4^th quarter, fisticuffs abound (the worst kind of cuffs) which resulted with the ejection of Barry Lamble and The World’s Greatest Dunker.

This brings us all round nicely to the upcoming dunk contest at the NBA All-Star Weekend. If you haven’t heard by now, the NBA and Sprite recently toured America looking for the best amateur dunkers in the country. In conclusion of the tour, 8 regional winners and 2 online submission winners were selected to be part of the final 10 contestants. From these final 10 dunkers, the top 4 vote getters (via public online vote) will be sent to the NBA 2010 All-Star Weekend in Dallas, Texas to participate in the NBA’s Slam Dunk Contest. And yes, our boy Dupuy made the cut, blowing the competition away in San Francisco. (Cue lots of guys placing their fist to their mouth after each dunk and holding themselves upright via one hand on their buddies shoulder. You know who you are.)

Defending champ Nate Robinson of the Knicks, the Bobcat's Gerald Wallace and the Lakers' Shannon Brown will represent the NBA alongside the winners of the Sprite Slam-Dunk Showdown. The big overshadowing story in all of this is that LeBron James was supposed to be attending following a statement made during last year’s competition, but whether its ego or whatever, he decided to jump ship.

But at the end of the day, its not about the opportunity of a lifetime for these amateur guys, but a chance for the rest of us to point and laugh at some of the pretentious names they go by.

Check out these classics from the Sprite tour:

10.          Star Child

9.            Half Man, Half Cut

8.            Grasshopper

7.            Air Up There

6.            40 Cal

5.            Bungeez

4.            Cleveland Steamboat

3.            Special FX

2.            Purty Teeth

1.            Futuristic Bruce

Ok, so i lied a little. 30% of these were made up from a concoction of too much coffee and a handful of Haribo, but you can spend the time-outs deciding which (answers at the bottom of the page).

Jamie.

Answers: 9, 4 and 2 are bare-faced lies.